Reflect. Record. Repeat.

I'm still bummed about the whole results thing. I mean, who wouldn't be? It's hard times like these that really sink in and cuts deep. It hurts how I've let down so many people, including myself. It hurts how I'll be stuck here while my friends enjoy themselves in the UK, living the best years of their lives. I know I shouldn't be thinking about the hurt, but how in the world do I look away from something staring directly at me in the face?

Today I met up with Nab, my best friend since forever. She, of course, met her requirements and will be flying off to Warwick in a few weeks time. It was sweet of her to come out and see me, and listen to me pouring everything out while also telling her my future plans here. I love her for that. Tonight I realised that she was actually gonna go away and do her degree for three years. It hit me like a bullet train---like I got hit by a train because I forgot I was standing on railroad tracks. I'm going to miss her. So. fucking. much. But I have to keep reminding myself that it'll be okay, there's a reason for everything.

   "Record it", she said to me. "Write this moment down so you can look back and know that you got over it". So here I am. Expressing myself over one of the toughest moments in my life so far. For this, I have prepared a message:

Dear Future Irsyad,

I hope this finds you in a positive manner. Meaning that, when you look back at this blog a year or two in the future, you would have already achieved things you can be proud of. I hope that, with all my heart, this hurdle has effectively motivated you to do better in everything you do. I hope that you have learned to prioritise, learned self-control, and that you have been a good servant to Allah. I hope that you have done your parents proud, and yourself too. If you have, well done. If not.....no. There is no if not. I hope you made it a mission; something that you HAVE to do, no matter how much it takes. I hope you've learned to strive and put every effort you can into succeeding. InsyaAllah, you're doing what you love and you're excelling in it.

Never give up. Keep moving forward.

And always, always, pray.

"Missed it by that much."

I didn't expect a breakdown like this, because I never wanted or envisioned a situation like this. In my hopeful mind it was always "study, do exams, fly". It was never "study, do exams, don't meet requirements, don't fly". When I saw my results I didn't know how to react. I just sat there, stared, and then my hand went straight to my heart as I yelled in disbelief and frustration. Cried for hours. Like a bitch.

This is one of, if not THE biggest disappointment in my life. I already had a scholarship in my hands, and had one shot at getting the grades I needed...and I blew it. I let down myself, I let down my parents, I let down my dreams and future. But my parents...God only knows how much they care for me. They were so supportive. They felt as disappointed as I was, of course..but they gave me words of encouragement. "Don't give up", they said to me. "Allah has plans like this for a reason. You need to learn to pick yourself up and decide what you're going to do next".

Today was painful. Today was sorrow. Today was encouragement. Today was support. Today was jealousy. Today was despair. Today was renewed hope.
Today was one of the worst and best days of my life.

It's not over yet, though. There's a small bubble of hope in me that prays for a miracle to happen---like Manchester accepting my appeal, and Axiata still willing to sponsor me. I don't know. It's highly unlikely, but there's no harm in trying. Whatever happens, this day will scar me for the rest of my life. This will be my motivation to do better, to be a better person, to stop letting my parents down.

Tomorrow's a new day, and I'm not gonna let that go to waste. InsyaAllah, all will be well. I pray that Allah gives me the strength to get through this. There's a reason for everything.

But I can't deny that it hurts.