I didn't expect a breakdown like this, because I never wanted or envisioned a situation like this. In my hopeful mind it was always "study, do exams, fly". It was never "study, do exams, don't meet requirements, don't fly". When I saw my results I didn't know how to react. I just sat there, stared, and then my hand went straight to my heart as I yelled in disbelief and frustration. Cried for hours. Like a bitch.
This is one of, if not THE biggest disappointment in my life. I already had a scholarship in my hands, and had one shot at getting the grades I needed...and I blew it. I let down myself, I let down my parents, I let down my dreams and future. But my parents...God only knows how much they care for me. They were so supportive. They felt as disappointed as I was, of course..but they gave me words of encouragement. "Don't give up", they said to me. "Allah has plans like this for a reason. You need to learn to pick yourself up and decide what you're going to do next".
Today was painful. Today was sorrow. Today was encouragement. Today was support. Today was jealousy. Today was despair. Today was renewed hope.
Today was one of the worst and best days of my life.
It's not over yet, though. There's a small bubble of hope in me that prays for a miracle to happen---like Manchester accepting my appeal, and Axiata still willing to sponsor me. I don't know. It's highly unlikely, but there's no harm in trying. Whatever happens, this day will scar me for the rest of my life. This will be my motivation to do better, to be a better person, to stop letting my parents down.
Tomorrow's a new day, and I'm not gonna let that go to waste. InsyaAllah, all will be well. I pray that Allah gives me the strength to get through this. There's a reason for everything.
But I can't deny that it hurts.
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